You really coming over, don't trick.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I came so hard my ears popped.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
