my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
