Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
