I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
