So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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