I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
