You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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