I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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