I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
