I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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