I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
