I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
