Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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