I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
