i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
