I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
