Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
