I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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