Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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