A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
