i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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