she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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