Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ketchup is God's man juice
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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