I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
