I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i believe in u and ur pee
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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