I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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