Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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