DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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