Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
