I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
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Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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