Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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