I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
