So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
