apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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