i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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