I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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