I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
