Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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