he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
