In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
