i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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