well I can't set my house on fire every night
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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