I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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