So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm like, not good at living.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
