Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
