Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
