So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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