i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
