Please, let me fuck your mom
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
