We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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