Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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