Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
