so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize