Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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