you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
