I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
