they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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