Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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