My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
