she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
