We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
