Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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