the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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