I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
